Vegas, Part Deux

Yep, I'm back in Vegas. Yep, I'm WAY over my points. Yep, I've probably gained 10 pounds. Too bad but must get back on track ASAP. Not next week, not when things calm down - right now.

I have such a thick skull, I wonder when it will actually click with me that I am eating to live, not living to eat.

P.S. Carnegie Deli at Mirage is yummy. The steamed broccoli was great......so was the burger.

P.P.S. Grandpa died yesterday. I'm going to the funeral, I need the closure. Vegas to SLC then Oakland. Good thing I packed a dress, I'll probably still hit Target Saturday afternoon, I like excuses to go shopping.

Hiking the "Y"

Reacting to stress with food is my first instinct. Last night I had a bit of a binge with 16 points worth of ice cream and chips. But I counted points, journaled it and am within my allowances for the week. So I'm cool with it. I'm in a bit of a negative place emotionally right now - trying to reconcile that I may very well indeed not ever acheive my seceret life goal of being a wife and Mom.

Instead, I'm going to think about how cool I am. For example, I hiked the Y in 27 minutes! Holla. Freshman year in college, it took me an hour and a half. Take that, mountain. Plus, I kept waiting for it to get hard so I was conserving energy and not running. Well, no need, it stayed pretty easy. All that stair climber and hiking prepping for half-dome is paying off for my self-esteem. :-)

Why I heart BYU!

BYU is my alma mater and little did I know that you can get BYU ice cream! What a fantastic game day treat for those football parties! Too bad it's still like a zillion points per serving of real ice cream - but I'd burn it off in my enthusiastic cheering for a few hours.

Go Cougars! And go me for not living anywhere near where this flavor is sold! Ha! Temptation denied!

Weekend: Success

This weekend went really well. I said my good-byes, although I don't think it's really hit me that he's going to die in a few weeks. I learned an important lesson where food is concerned. I took control and offered to make lunch/dinner on Saturday and Sunday, leaving me able to plan and feed everyone what I wanted. This put my Mom as ease, as I know she's super stressed and hates cooking, allowed me to have control over what I ate and show off some newly acquired cooking skills.

We had Salmon with Lemon, Capers, and Rosemary with a hot broccoli pasta salad on Saturday for dinner and my very own Hamburger recipe grilled in the backyard with grilled corn on the cob, cold pasta salad and watermelon on Sunday. I got to enjoy the company of my grandpa, parents, sister, best friend and her husband and kids and didn't worry once about the food!

And you know what? It paid off at the scale. Down 1.6 today to 183.4. I'm not back to where I was a month ago (178) but this is a lifestyle change and I don't except losing weight to be easy. It paid off even more giving me a sense of accomplishment at being able to cope with real life.

Preparing for the weekend

I'm going to UT tomorrow for a few days. Normally not a big deal but this trip is to say good-bye to my Grandpa. He's going off of dialysis next week and will pass away sometime this month. I haven't thought much about this trip, mostly because I don't want to think about saying goodbye to one of my heroes. Part of life is death and I know he's excited to be out of pain and see my Grandma again. And honestly, I'm happy for him, and a little sad for me.

This trip poses a challenge for me. I want the good things, saying goodbye, seeing my family but I hate dealing with emotional situations when I can't control what food is around. My parents don't understand why every time I go home I hit the grocery store and spend $50 on food. And I think it hurts them a little - food equals love in my house. It did growing up and it still does. Living 1500 miles away from my family is certainly more selfish than most people realize.

I just need to remember that eating my emotions is not going to solve anything.

Half Dome was AMAZING

The months of running, rowing, hiking, stair climbing, eating right(ish) paid off. I made it to the top of half-dome! Hiking is such a personal experience for me. I love the time with myself to disconnect and reflect.

The day started dark and early around 4 a.m. After breaking camp and driving into Little Yosemite we got started on the trail around 6 am. Two granite staircases for what seemed like miles, endless switchbacks in the forest, eating salami (which I usually detest but was the best tasting thing ever!), seeing half-dome rise into the sky after having hiked for hours, self-doubt, self-talk and finally hauling myself up the cables, the view was worth it - the sense of accomplishment was even more worth it.

The continued success of this weight loss journey is going to be very mental. I need to stop thinking of myself as the slow, sluggish girl I was and start truly thinking of myself as the strong, active successful person I am.

And now I can say I've hiked Half Dome!

I survived half dome! Celebrating at the beach :-) Details on the dome tomorrow.

I may throw up

After I finish freaking out about the cables at half-dome. I shouldn't have gone looking for pictures to post to the blog.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

I will not let my allergies get me down

Why do I always get sick before a big hike? Ok, that was a bit dramatic but I can not have my allergies knock me out this week. I am doing half-dome on Saturday sick or not. I took Benadryl this afternoon (it knocked me out for 4 hours) and am feeling a touch better. Plans to work out this week are in the toilet but that's ok, I didn't procrastinate prepping for the hike - I am going to rock this. Note to self: buy gloves for the cables - REI is having a sale, go tomorrow.

7 days and counting

In exactly one week I will be attempting half-dome in Yosemite. I am trying to not freak out. I just need to get some gloves for the cables but I've got everything else I need. This is going to be ok, I like to hike. I've been hiking for months to get ready. (Sound like I'm trying to convince myself much?) So here are my mini-goals for between now and half-dome:

Eat super healthy
Work out today, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday (rest Thursday and Friday)
Mentally rehearse finishing the hike
Relax and not freak myself out

Half-some is going to rock (ha ha) and I am going to do this!

Skip Dessert

Mucho thanks to my friend Crystal, who pointed me towards this shirt. I heart it!! Pick up your own "Skip Dessert" shirt. All the cool kids are doing it.

Contract for Success

I, Reformed Fat Chick, hereby agree and commit to take the following steps to improve my accountability to myself and increase my chances for weight loss success:

• I will not let one small slip-up convince me that I'm stupid, worthless, or a lost cause. I will respect myself by refusing to engage in verbal self-abuse, and I will find positive ways to comfort and support myself when I’m having a hard time. Specifically, I will blog about my feelings, look at how far I've come, read my list of things about me that I like.
• I will not sacrifice my own needs to make other people happy, or do for them what they can and should be doing for themselves. When there is a conflict between my exercise and eating plans and what other people want me to do, I will negotiate to find a reasonable solution that allows me to do what I need to do for myself.
• I choose to be in charge of my own decisions and behavior. I will not talk, think, or act as if my cravings or subconscious made me do it. I will ask myself what’s most important to me at that moment and make my decision. If I don’t like the consequences, I will try something different the next time.

Special thanks to this handy little article.

Dating "Gym" and sleeping

Went to the gym last night (I think I'm going to start telling my extended family I'm dating "gym" so they'll leave me alone about being, *GASP* 25 and single - I am totally happy with it) and had a great workout. Did my 3K of rowing that I like to warm up with, and then ran/walked fast on the treadmill for 30 minutes. It felt really good, I slept well and I feel more in control.

It seems when I work out, I need to sleep less - I still sleep a lot - but less than if I don't work out. When I was younger I wanted to be one of those people who got by on 4 hours of sleep. Well, that just isn't going to work. Even when I work out, I need 8 good hours of sleep to be useful the next day. And when I don't work out, I like 9-10 hours of sleep. And naps. Oh, naps are heavenly. I must remember this great feeling of accomplishment and control and power that eating right and working out gives me. Maybe I should take it up a notch from just dating "gym" to making him my boyfriend.

Feeling Large Yet In Charge

YAY! I made it to the gym last night, rowed, ran and am committed to going tonight (at like 10 pm, but who cares)! I've tracked my food for two days now and am feeling way more in control. Feeling better, after just two days. Going to find a Fall 5K since I bailed on the Peach Festival one this summer. I really miss the running.

It's strange to explain to others how food has very little to do with actual, physical hunger for me. Eating is wrapped up in my emotional state of being, the way I was taught love and how I react to anything. For example:

Happy = celebrate with cookie.
Sad = cheer self up with cookie.
Anxious = distract self with cook.
Bored = entertain self with cookie.
Nostalgic = eat cookie to remind myself of other cookies.

I'm slowly learning to recognize actual hunger and to eat only then. I have a post-it on my desk that reads "If it isn't hunger, food won't fix it." Maybe I should tattoo that on my dominant hand, and read it every time before indulging in those cookies. Mom would love that.

Vegas Restaurant Round-up

I'm embracing my 188 weigh in today (yes, I've recommitted again and am back on track) with a review of the Las Vegas restaurants that contributed to the gain.

1. Aureole was amazing. Simply amazing. I had a apricot infused cheese thing for the appetizer (the special) and Roasted rack of Colorado lamb - tender lamb stuffed Campari tomato, braised flageolet beans, Nicoise olives and Rosemary Jus -for the main course and a Dark chocolate Mint Bar with spearmint ice cream Terrine dark mint chocolate - chocolate fudge sauce, mint essence - dessert yummyness. The ambiance was serene and peaceful. Was with a journalist, so super formal work mode. The couple at the table next to me got engaged, which was adorable! Rating: A.

2. Fleur de Lys was also a great meal. I had a nice salad to start and then a steak. YUM! The dessert had a Basil ice cream. It was a little weird but then started to grow on you. I was in a big group, work related, so the atmosphere was fun, but it was still work, so it's not like anyone was dancing on the tables. Rating: A-

3. Hit Red, White and Blue for a burger and post-crazy meal. Burger. Good. Fried. Good. Onion Rings. Good. Brownie extravaganza. Scrumptious. Shared the dessert with a co-worker, so I feel sightly better about that. The dense, crisp yet chewy brownies stacked with vanilla ice cream and drizzled with gooey fudge made for an amazing, sinful end to the "restaurant" eating at the conference. Rating: B+

4. In and Out Burger. Shout out to my favorite burger joint! I live in Cali. and honestly this is the only burger place I hit when feeling the fast food need (about once a month). Rating: C+ (my animal style onions were all squished at the bottom, so not the best I've had there.)

5. Il Fornaio - Had some great pizza here after riding the NY, NY roller coaster. It was a little scrimpy on the toppings and the crust was super thin, so not all that filling, but the spicy flavor in the sauce was delicious. Rating: B-

There was some various hotel food, fruit cups, yogurt, etc. consumed through out the week, nothing else really noteworthy. Overall, Vegas you were fun, but I can't eat like that every week.

Vegas and destressing

WOO HOO, the work insanity is finally coming to a normal level!!! Spent the last week in Vegas for work and had a really fun/manic time. Lots of restaurants to review in Mandalay Bay over the next few days (inlcuding a 4 diamond rated one! YUM!) , lots of gym time to make-up, although three days on 4 inch heels in a conference center should count for something and roller coasters to discuss and well as many, many NSV's!

Top three Vegas Non Scale Victories:

1. Eating good food and not freaking out that I wasn't tracking. (a peek at the scale shows I'm up 2 pounds, but will weigh in officially in the morning)
2. Being able to cross my legs in my window seat of a full flight and not be using anyone else's space!
3. Fitting in the rollercoasters without any problems!

I love being almost normal in weight for so many reasons.

Stress

So I find I react to stress in two ways. 1. I eat everything in sight. 2. I forget to eat. Work has me SUPER SUPER stressed right now. I knew I'd have a month of stress, so for weeks one and most of two - I ate. Everything and anything. I felt so sick and not in control. 6 pounds later, I decided this had to stop.

On Wednesday, a switch went off and I went to mode two. I forget to eat and it's suddenly it's 5:30 pm and I've had waffles and some water. I am making an effort to control how I react to the stress. I am eating regularly and the right things. I am going to the gym (since by the time I get to working out it's dark!) for now. I want to hit the trails again, but am happy that I'm reacting in a healthy way. (And those 6 pounds are almost gone, that ended up being mostly water weight from *that* time of the month)

I'm going to break into the 170's soon. And when I do, present time. Must think of a present I want.

Listen to Nike

I need to listen to Nike and just do it - running that is. I have been slacking off in the diet and exercise department, especially the exercise department and I am feeling it today. I'm feeling fat and lazy and in awe of the girl I was a few weeks ago when I ran 15 miles one weekend. Part of the journey is struggling - right? I'm stressed and handling it in the tired and true manner I always have - eating and sleeping. That does not make for a good combo on the weight loss goals or feeling good about myself goals. So, one step at a time.

Today. Just today is all I need to concentrate on. Points I have eaten: 20. Points left: 5. Plans for dinner: Waffles to celebrate my roommate's b-day. Ok, new plans: Make the waffles for her and eat soup instead. To help me with me goals - Today I will go to the gorcery store and stock up on healthy foods to eat - the pantry has been empty for weeks, time to bite the bullet and make the time.

I'll get back on track, one thing at a time. I can do this.

LA LA LA LA

....connect the dots! I really should tell my sister this Web site address. I think she might be the only person to get that opener. Anywho, I'm feeling much better today. I weighed in (finally!) and was up 1. All things considered, that is a small victory. I had the yummiest peach at lunch today. Must get cash tomorrow and hit the farmers market, it all looked so good! This is the best time of year and I love the fruits that are in season.

Favorite fruits:
Peaches
Apricots
Strawberries

I heart summer!!!!

PMS: IHATECHU

I hate PMS because all I want to do is eat. I’m bitchy. I want to cry about past relationships. Sleeping is my number two priority, after eating, of course. But I feel small victories when I pass up the Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg in the kitchen at work and chew a piece of gum instead. It’s helpful when I realize I’m an emotional wreck because of hormones, not because I’m crazy. Arg.

The Weekend and Recommitting

Logged about 10 miles running/hiking this weekend and still expecting a gain tomorrow. I could not stop eating this past week! I need to get back on track with my journaling - eating, exercising, etc. I feel much more in control when I do. Ok, starting right now, I commit to journaling. And just to hold myself accountable, I'm going to go running tonight!!! I also want to work on visualization. I'm having a super hard time imagining the scale being under 180, so I'm trying to not turn this into a mental block and visualize myself losing 10 more pounds.

Recommitting myself to new goals. From now until September 1, 2007, I will:

• Work out 5-6 times per week
• Journal everyday - good and bad
• Run the 5K at the Marysville Peach Festival
• Complete Half-Dome at Yosemite
• Eat my fruits and veggies everyday
• Spend 5 minutes a day visualizing myself at goal weight, what that feels like, etc.

I CAN DO THIS!!! 170, here I come!

Muddy Buddy

Thanks to a friend on the WW board - I learned about a fun race my roommate and I are going to do in November. It's the Muddy Buddy Race in LA and basically you take turns biking and running, doing obstacles and getting dirty. I am so in! Going to register tonight for sure.

Content and Happy

I am content - truly happy with what I have in life. There are, of course, ways I still want to improve myself, things I want to do, but my life is pretty darned amazing. I don't know if I've ever been truly content before. I was reading my journal from a couple of years ago when I first moved to Cali. and one thing I wrote about was that I wasn't really comfortable with me - just me. I wasn't sure how to just be with myself. It was like reading the thoughts of a completely different person. I love being alone now - not in a sad way - in a truly comfortable with myself way. It's nice to worry what others think and use that energy on much worthier pursuits.

Fourth of July was fantastic. Loud fireworks on the beach with friends, a sunburn, a quick run in the morning, good food. I'm grateful to live in a country where I am free to live my life as I choose. Happy America!

Ramblings

Yesterday I tried a new trail with my roommate and we got completely off track. I love exploring new trails, but night was upon us, so we asked a jovial looking fellow where we might be in the park. Let's just say we were about 2 miles off. But this good samarian, Sal, actually hiked with us back to the car. Connecting with others in the community is something I love about hiking. Sal told us about some fun restaurants in the area to check out and we all had a good laugh about our navigation skills.

After the unexpectedly long hike, I was craving meat, so my roommate and I went to In and Out for a a protien style burger (no worries, I stayed within points.) One of my favorite things about losing weight is no one stares at you in restaurants when you eat a burger like there is no tomorrow. Or at restaurants when you eat in general.

I weigh-in today. After about 25 miles of running/hiking last week, I'm expecting a decent weigh-in. Instead of having pizza with the office for the Fourth, I'm going to go to Weight Watchers and eat the lunch I brought. I think I'm on a weight loss high.

I feel hot today!

No particular reason why I'm feeling so good, but I do! Maybe it has something to do with the run I went for last night - it feels good to have my thighs hurt. Maybe it's the size small top I'm wearing. Maybe it's that the scale said 180 this morning or that I'm having a good hair day. Or that maybe I feel so good because I'm at peace with myself. Come on world, bring it on, I can take it today!!

And to the last boy that broke my heart, I have something to say. I'm not wasting anymore time wondering why it didn't work out between us. I am not using any more energy on you. I will always love you and have a place in my heart for you, but it's your loss. I am an amazing friend, passionate about life and have lost 40 pounds since you saw me. Suck it! And now I will not think about you anymore.

They called me a runner!!!

What a beautiful weekend!! On Saturday morning my roomie and I went out for a run/hike. At the end of our hike, when we about a half mile from the car, we passed an older woman, walking her two dogs and clinging to the side of the trail. We went past and then stopped, went back and asked if she needed help. Turns out she's terrified of hiking but has been doing it for a couple of years and won't give up. So we helped her with her dogs until the trail got a little easier. Clumsy me managed to slip on some rocks and scrape my knee up. Nothing new, I'm clumsy and it's a great looking battle scar.

Sunday, after church, I decided to go out again and really push myself. So I ran way more than I ever have (WOO HOO!!!!) and when I passed a family, they called out ahead to someone in their group, "watch out, there's a runner." I couldn't stop smiling, someone else called me a runner!!!!! I'm a runner and it feels darned good. Even though my knee is killing me today, I don't care. I can do this!

Happy Summer Solstice

Happy Sunny Day! Go out and enjoy the most sun of the year! I am!

Things to do this summer

• Do a 5K Run (even if I don't quite run the whole thing)
• Enjoy food festivals including: Gilroy Garlic Festival, Watsonville Strawberry Festival, Marysville Peach Festival and Alameda Peanut Butter and Jelly Festival
• Hike half-dome in Yosemite
• Go biking more
• Take a nap in a sunny spot in a park
• Try five new hiking trails in Oakland

I love summer!!!

Leona Heights Park

One trail that I love to go for a quick run/hike is the York Trail, at Leona Heights Park by Leona Lodge in Oakland. It's short, maybe roundtrip 3 miles, good elevation change, close to home and perfect for a quick (I'm working up to running the whole thing) workout. Did it yesterday, ran less, coughed more, but it was good to be doing something!

The sad part of the story is that in the past few weeks a lot of graffiti has started showing up on the beautiful rocks, along with trash, bottles, etc. So I pick up trash on my way out and try to ignore the spray paint. It makes me sad that others want to ruin a beautiful place. I'm calling tomorrow to see if there is anything I can do to help, not that I can really run off kids with spray paint cans....but maybe we can organize a neighborhood clean-up/awareness project. It's not cool to ruin my favorite park!

The Weekend

I had a wonderfully relaxing weekend and have finally gotten over this cold (except for a slight cough, but I'm ignoring it) and am excited to go running tonight! I'm sneaking out of work as early as I can and am going to go do a short trail! I'm excited, super excited to get back out in nature and exercise.

One NSV (Non-Scale Victory) this weekend that I think speaks to Target's lack of sensibility in women's clothing sizes than my weight.....I bought a skirt, sized 4 and a top, sized Small. I'm trying to not let this go to my head, because, well, I know I'm a pretty solid 12 right now, but it feels good to have something in my closet with a single digit size on it!! Here's to getting to an actual size 4 someday!

Exercising when sick?

The last three days I have been feeling generally crappy. Stuffed then running rose, sore throat, kinda achy, watering eyes, etc. (Sounds like so much fun, I know you want to come over and nurse me back to health.) The debate in my mind is whether or not to go on a group hike tomorrow that I've been looking forward to for weeks at Pt. Reyes.

Knowing this hike was coming, I didn't work out Wednesday or Thursday and doubt I'm going to make it today since the walk to the mailbox nearly did me in. The logical part of me says, uh, hello....rest! You are actually sick, which rarely happens. The other part of me is itching to get out there and feel the ocean breeze and push myself a bit. Here's the game plan. I'm going to go to bed super early tonight and see how I feel when I wake up, but with the mind set that I want to do this hike and may need to push myself a bit. I wonder how this is going to go.

Workout video review: Shaun T. Hip Hop Abs

My roommate loves workout videos but finds herself getting bored with them easily, creating a pretty steady stream of new videos for me to try when I get home too late to go out running. (Give me a break, I live in East Oakland.) Recently she bought Shaun T.'s Hip Hop Abs. There are something like four workouts in the system and you're supposed to "be ready to hit the dance floor in your killer new body in no time!"

I tried the 45-minute Total Body Burn and found it to be a fun little way to burn a few calories. The moves were fairly easy to do, even for my uncoordinated self and it was better than watching reruns of Friends. I'm sure I'd look a fool if I tried to do these moves on any dance floor with anyone that is not blind, but in the secrecy of my own home, I rocked it out.

In conclusion, this is a fun alternative to sitting on your lazy butt because you got home late but I'm not sure if I'd really get a "killer body" doing the workout regularly. And I don't intend to find out - I love being outdoors way too much.

Rating: B

Reasons I love Trail Running

1. Alone time - It's nice to disconnect from the cell, blackberry, office, life obligations, etc.
2. Silence - Just me and the birds, wind and occasional squirrel.
3. Being in nature - I'll have to take a camera with me sometime, Northern California is simply beautiful.
4. My butt - It's really getting a nice shape.
5. The thrill - Nothing beats the push of going up a hill only to fly down the other side.
6. When I suck, then I'm just hiking - I'm still new at this, so when I push myself too hard, or just can't do it anymore - hey, I'm hiking! Still sounds impressive.
7. Boys - Trail running/hiking makes for a great date.
8. The views - The SF skyline gets me every time.
9. Legs - I might not be embarrassed by jiggly thighs in a few months, this is still to be determined.
10. It's free! - I'm a cheapskate, and I hate the gym, hate paying for it and hate the pretentiousness of it. And it's free!

Yes, I said "Fat"

I used to be fat. I'm not just some girl who thought she was fat. At my high weight, in January 2005, I weighed 281 pounds. And at 5'9", that's fat. I was fat from elementary school on. It used to scare me to say I was fat, but it is what it is. It was unhealthy. I didn't like that I couldn't do things other kids my age were doing. Now, I wasn't some unhappy, awkward fat girl who thought life was terrible - I was extremely happy and had many friends. I was just fat.

Something shifted in me when I started my career. I couldn't do it - I was exhausted all of the time from crazy work hours and stress eating like no one's business. I decided that being fat had to go. I wasn't being fair to myself. I wanted more out of life. So I joined WW, lost 60 pounds. Stopped going. Gained 10 pounds - freaked out. Joined WW again and lost another 50 pounds. Today's weigh-in: 183. I can taste it, 2 more to my 100 pound mark.

I am a reformed fat chick. I will struggle my entire life with my weight.